I have sat across from enough crying parents to know that the legal system is often a blunt instrument for a delicate problem. It’s heartbreaking. Truly. After fifteen years in the trenches of family law, I’ve realized that the best outcomes rarely happen inside a mahogany-paneled courtroom. They happen in quiet rooms with a box of tissues and a mediator.
A fresh start. That is what most people are actually looking for when they walk into my office. But they think they need a fight to get there. They don’t.
Why court is the absolute worst…
A total nightmare. Nobody wins when a stranger in a black robe decides your life. The adversarial system is designed to pit one person against another until someone breaks. It’s brutal.
Family Dispute Resolution, or FDR as we call it, is the “alternative” that should really be the primary choice. Between you and I, the court system is too backed up anyway. It’s about—actually, let me rephrase that—it’s about keeping the power in your hands rather than handing it to a magistrate. You know your kids. The judge only knows your case number.
But what exactly is it…
A structured conversation. That is the simplest way to describe FDR. It’s a special type of mediation specifically designed for separating couples to sort out parenting and property issues. You aren’t just “talking it out” like you would at a kitchen table. You have a neutral practitioner there to keep things on the rails.
The practitioner doesn’t take sides. They don’t give legal advice. (By the way, I still think coffee in mediation suites should be mandatory, but nobody listens to me.) Their job is to facilitate. They help you identify the “redundant” arguments that aren’t getting you anywhere and focus on the future. The current situation as it stands now is usually too emotional for people to handle alone.
When the kids come first…
The primary focus. In many jurisdictions, you actually have to try FDR before you can even step foot in a court for parenting orders. It’s the law. The government wants you to settle your differences like adults because children are the ones who get caught in the crossfire.
- Creating a “Parenting Plan.”
- Deciding on school holidays, birthdays and weekends.
- Working out how to communicate without screaming.
- Discussing health, education, and religion.
It’s not always easy to bury the hatchet. It takes a lot of swallowing your pride. But when you see your child’s face when they realize Mom and Dad aren’t at war anymore? It’s worth it.
If it doesn’t actually work…
Sometimes people are just too stubborn. Or maybe there’s a history of family violence that makes mediation unsafe or inappropriate. If you try FDR and it fails, the practitioner can issue what we call a “Section 60I Certificate.”
This piece of paper is your “golden ticket” to court. It tells the judge you made a genuine effort to resolve things. If one party just refuses to show up or doesn’t make a real effort, the certificate reflects that too. It’s a way of holding people accountable for their behavior.
How the money stacks up…
It’s about the bottom line. Court costs are astronomical. You can spend $50,000 on a trial and still end up with a result you hate. FDR is significantly cheaper. Often, it’s a fraction of the cost of even a single day of litigation.
Mediation is always the best path forward for every single family. (Note: Except in cases of serious domestic violence or child abuse—safety always comes first!)
Most people don’t realize that FDR isn’t just for parenting. You can use it to split up the house, the superannuation, the cars, and the debt. It’s a one-stop shop for ending a chapter of your life without setting fire to your bank account.
Finding the right path…
Be honest. You have to go into this with an open mind. If you go in just to “win,” you’ve already lost. FDR is about compromise. It’s about finding a “good enough” solution so you can stop living in the past and start looking at the horizon.
The goal isn’t to be best friends with your ex. The goal is to be effective business partners in the “business” of raising your children. It’s a shift in perspective. A big one. But once you make it, the weight off your shoulders is massive. Trust me on that.
Handwritten-style note: Remember to ask the mediator about “shuttle mediation” if you can’t stand to be in the same room!